Helping Parents Downsize.
- Cindy Murphy
- Feb 11
- 12 min read
Episode #14: Let's talk about parents and how to recognize when they might need help.
This week, the "Living Smaller & Loving It!" downsizing blog is exploring the often-tough decisions adult children face when caring for their elderly parent(s), including discussions and decisions around new living environments.
ANNOUNCEMENTS. Please be sure to check out our announcements at the bottom of the page.
DID YOU KNOW that Metrowide...as of this post (2/11/26), there are:
79 Independent Living Communities
99 Assisted Living Communities
39 Memory Care Communities
TOTAL COMMUNITIES: 217
In addition: 69 Senior Apartment Buildings and Subsidized Housing Units/Apartments
(See ANNOUNCEMENTS below.)
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Pertaining to this blog post: Please keep in mind that there are different life scenarios beyond the adult-child/parent relationship that can apply to the information in this post — neighbor-to-neighbor, family member-to-family member, friend-to-friend, and self-to-self — anyone observing or experiencing age- or health-related changes that may require needed attention.
Every adult child wants their parent(s)
to live a stress-free, comfortable life as they age, and, most of all, to remain healthy and independent for as long as possible.
However, the changes adult children notice in their aging parents can be slow and gradual or sudden and impactful, with little warning — one day, all is well; the next, a crisis may be quickly unfolding. And in long-distance parent-child relationships, important changes may be harder to detect and require a bit more sleuthing and even technological intervention, as our mother-daughter feature article below points out. Technology helped assess a mother's needs and played an important role in the decision to move to an assisted living community. As you will read, situations evolved and escalated, and mutual family decisions were made.
The Crucial and Often Critical Downsizing Decades: the 80's and 90's.
We know from our years of experience that the older a person is, the harder it is to go through the downsizing process. Desire and motivation play a huge role, of course, and then you throw in stamina, and the act of downsizing can turn into a major undertaking for the older adult and their family. Stress can grow, and the downsizing process can at times feel like there's no end in sight.
Looking at decades brings things more into focus. There's so much that can change, at times overnight, between the ages of 70 and 80, 80 and 90, and 90+. That's why it's so important to be honest about a parent's aging and take a realistic assessment of their current stage in life. Are there things they're doing now that may get harder over time? Things they used to handle easily have become more difficult, whether they admit it or not. It's not realistic to believe, or assume, that everything will remain the same for them. Change happens—sometimes slowly, other times rapidly—it's life, and life changes whether we're ready for it or not (and it's more difficult when it involves an elderly parent).
So, when we're faced with change—and in this case, a possible downsizing move or home health care visits—the observations we make, the questions we ask, and a parent's personality type can play a big role in how we, as a family, succeed or struggle. If you are considering talking with your parent about downsizing, be prepared for possible pushback. It can be difficult to admit that things have changed enough to warrant family "intervention". On the flipside, there will be parents who will be more than happy (and ready) to discuss the possibilities of a move — almost as if they were anticipating "the talk".
Here's a range of personality types we've observed and worked with over the years. Many will cause the adult children frustration, while others will make them pleased with their openness and cooperation.
The Stoic. The Denier. The Complainer. The Realist. The Worrier. The Antagonist. The Hoarder. *
*The Mayo Clinic. Hoarding is a complex disorder, a mental health condition in which you have a strong need to save a large number of items and experience distress when attempting to get rid of them. Hoarding disorder is treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy. There are 5 levels of hoarding, 5 being the most severe.
The process of clearing a hoard, depending on the level, can take weeks, months, and often years if the hoarder is not in therapy. There are several articles online about working with hoarders. Here is one website to look at: How to Help a Hoarder: Effective Strategies to Support and Assist | A Simplified Psychology Guide
As previously stated, changes with elderly parents can happen slowly without much notice or rapidly...the snowball effect.
When time spent with them isn't on a regular basis (or long distance), a lot can happen between visits.
Phone calls are important, yes, but putting eyes on them makes a huge difference.
At each visit, it's important to note anything out of the ordinary, then start a dialogue about what has caught your attention.
Here are some changes often noted in aging parents:
Memory lapses--increasing forgetfulness and confusion
Bruises from falls--not admitting to falls or suggesting a fall was their fault and could have been avoided (clumsiness, throw rugs, tripping over furniture, falling out of bed, etc.). A fall is a fall!
Change in mood/personality--increased alcohol consumption, inappropriate behavior, being quick to anger, or being apathetic
Obvious weight loss--not eating properly, skipping meals, or forgetting to eat
Lack of sleep--not adhering to a sleep/bed schedule, excessive sleepiness during the day
Not taking medications accurately
Finances--not paying bills on time, excessive shopping (online or in person), and gambling
Withdrawing from friends or social activities--does not want to be bothered or have to get "dressed" to participate. Church or clubs are no longer important
General signs of loneliness or depression
Difficulty with driving or car maintenance--involved in accidents, getting lost, running out of gas
Inability to keep up with household tasks--general cleaning, dishes, making the bed, laundry
Personal hygiene--bathing, brushing teeth, hair (washing/combing), issues with toileting
Inability to "keep" a calendar--doctor's appointments, social activities
Falling for scams--being vulnerable to scamming activities--online or in person
Hoarding--signs of excessive shopping or "picking up" discarded items, and not being able to manage the clutter
Of course, noticing changes doesn't automatically mean your parent should move to a 24/7 care community environment. It does, however, mean that dialogue is needed about how to change or improve situations — for example, better systems or plans might need to be implemented to ensure safety. Every family is different, and working through any issues may take time. Diligence and follow-through are important.
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A loving and devoted daughter sees her mom through her downsizing journey.
I first met Sue and her mother, Ina, in 2013 through a referral from a local retirement community. I did a downsizing consultation to introduce myself and our services and to assess their move-related needs. Our personalities clicked, and the rest is history. We have remained close all these years... you never know where true friendship will sprout!
When Sue was faced with moving her mom from independent living, where we had initially moved her, to assisted living, I offered my services as a friend. It took a while for Sue to acknowledge she could use help, but once she did, significant progress followed.
As we were working together, I asked Sue to consider sharing her story, as I knew it would benefit many other adult children facing the same situation with their elderly parents.
I'm so glad she agreed.
Here is Sue's story...
UNEXPECTED EVENTS, ALTERED HOPES.
Adult children hope their elderly parents can live out their lives independently, but circumstances do not always allow it. Unexpected events can arise, abruptly altering those hopes. In my mother’s case, two significant incidents left our family with no viable option other than moving her to an assisted living facility.
In June, while driving to a grocery store just three miles from her home, my mother became disoriented and ended up pulled over on the shoulder of a state highway in another town nearly fifteen miles away. Confused and with an empty gas tank, she called me and said she did not know where she was. Fortunately, I found her on the Find My app and drove straight to her. I found her sitting in a hot car, sweating, with the windows rolled up. That situation alone could have ended tragically.
TECHNOLOGY to the RESCUE.
After spending three days in the hospital being treated for a urinary tract infection, my mother came to stay with me to recover. During that time, she made the difficult decision it was best to stop driving. As she regained some strength, I agreed to let her return to her independent living apartment on the condition that I could install Ring cameras to help monitor her safety. This arrangement provided her with a degree of independence while offering me reassurance. If she failed to answer the phone, I could check on her remotely rather than making the forty-minute drive to her apartment.
That same camera system later prevented another potential catastrophe. Reviewing the Ring app history, I noticed that she had gone to bed at three o’clock in the afternoon. When I checked again the following morning around 6:30 a.m., it was clear she had not gotten up all night. I immediately drove to her apartment and found her in bed, delirious. Unfortunately, despite a five-day hospital stay, no clear cause was identified. Once again, she returned to my home to recuperate. This time, however, her cognitive recovery was slower, and she never returned to her prior baseline.
WHEN DAILY NEEDS AREN'T MET, DECISIONS MUST BE MADE.
After three weeks, it became evident that she could no longer live independently. She required assistance with getting out of bed, using the bathroom, and showering, and was no longer capable of managing daily cooking or household tasks. My husband and I had an honest conversation with her and explained that she needed to move closer to us into a setting where help with daily living tasks was available. She was initially very resistant, largely because she envisioned assisted living as something resembling a hospital room. After touring a community and learning she could bring her own furniture and personal belongings, she became more receptive, though not happy, acknowledging that it was the right decision.
DECISIONS and MOVING.
The moving process proved far more challenging than I had anticipated. Downsizing from a large two-bedroom (one bedroom an office and craft room), two-bath apartment to a much smaller one-bedroom unit required difficult decisions about which furniture and possessions to take. Careful space planning along with some hard discussions and decisions about decor and other things, the move happened. Once she was settled into her new apartment, the more daunting tasks began--sorting, decision-making, packing, and the disposition of everything that remained in her old apartment.
FLYING SOLO, MOSTLY.
As the only child living in the state, the downsizing responsibility fell entirely on me. Initially, I felt compelled to personally handle every item, as only I could identify meaningful family keepsakes. I quickly figured out that the "just me" approach to decisions was taking too long. With my brothers out of state, we decided to use FaceTime and texts to communicate which was extremely helpful and expedited a lot of the family-related decision-making. (My mom and I also used FaceTime; it was a lifesaver.) Technology to the rescue again!
THE STUFF KEPT COMING and the PILES KEPT GROWING.
I knew my mom had a lot of stuff, but until I started pulling things out of closets, drawers, and cabinets to begin sorting, did it become clear to me just how much she had accumulated over the 12 years she'd lived in her apartment. I had an enormous task ahead of me. The volume of paperwork alone was overwhelming. Her crafting supplies, sewing machines, office equipment, collectibles, furniture, decorations, artwork, kitchenware, food, clothing, shoes, linens, and countless other items all had to be sorted and categorized--family/keep, friends, donate, or trash. The piles grew. The work seemed never-ending and I was exhausted.
HELP ARRIVES.
Once organized, items were boxed. There were many boxes of personal items and family-related things that I simply didn't have time to sort through; these boxes went to my house and are now stored in my basement. I will eventually finish the sorting and decision-making around these boxes. Although I initially thought I could handle most everything myself (NOT!), I gratefully accepted help with packing, lifting, driving to the donation center, and disposing of trash from my husband, son, and friends. The task was too big and would have been impossible for me to complete on my own given our time frame. I was grateful for their help. ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!
WHAT REMAINED LEFT QUICKLY.
Finally, after donating and giving away to family and friends what we could, we made the decision to pay to have what remained in the apartment removed. Although there wasn't a lot left, it was still emotionally difficult watching my mom's possessions be carried away. It was the right decision as we had determined that the time and limited financial return of having a sale, or posting items online for sale, would not outweigh the additional rent required to keep her apartment longer. (There just wasn't enough content value left for a sale.)
THE SAFETY NET 24/7.
Two short weeks after moving into her new apartment, my mom experienced another episode of altered mental status, resulting in a five-day hospitalization for pneumonia. This time, however, upon discharge she was able to return directly to her assisted living apartment rather than recovering at my house.
Life in assisted living has not been easy for my mother as she is extremely independent. (I have a friend who calls her a little "firecracker".) My hope is she will slowly warm to the idea that help, if she needs it, is just a push-button away. As a family we definitely made the right decision and none too soon. We have peace of mind that she's cared for 24/7 and we're just a few minutes away in case we're needed.
Now that this downsizing move is behind me, I can pay closer attention to my mom's needs whatever they may be. I'm hoping that now she is in assisted living we will have more quality mother-daughter time together. Oh, and if there's one thing this experience has taught me is, I will make every effort to eliminate the excess in my life for my kids!
Final thoughts:
The amount of work we accomplished in 3 short weeks still amazes me. My advice is to put a doable plan in place as soon as you can and ask for help early.
Take care of yourself! The emotional/physical toll on me (and my family) was great. I experienced frustration, sleepless nights, guilt, physical exhaustion, some anger, and of course a few tears.
Adult children--pay close attention to what's in your parents' homes. Ask questions (be snoopy if you have to) in order to understand what you'll be up against if the need arises.
Parents, please talk to your children about your stuff. Get down to the nitty-gritty. Please don't surprise your kids — be honest and open.
Respectfully yours,
Sue (and Ina)
If you have a story to share...
Please don't hesitate to reach out through the CONTACT page of the website. We'd love to hear from you, especially if your story will help another adult child through the often-difficult task of downsizing a parent or dispersing the contents of the home following a death.
What steps did you take?
What lessons did you learn?
What would you do differently?
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"Living Smaller & Loving It!"
Announcements
Stop by our new TESTIMONIALS web page. We wanted to share some of the feedback our customers have given us about our services. We are proud to have served the downsizing community for 18 years. We begin our 19th year in business on March 1st.
COMING UP Spring 2026: As our new "Senior Living in Kansas City" web page prepares to launch (Spring '26), I wanted to share some statistics that we've recently compiled regarding the senior communities that are currently available in the Greater Metro. The "Senior Living in Kansas City" page will list all communities in the Metro, organized by State, then alphabetically by Region (North of the River, etc.) and City.
Our new "Front Door" Program will give participating program communities direct links from their community listing on our page to their homepage. Page visitors will be able to choose the part of the Metro they prefer to live in, the type of community they desire (IL/AL/MC), then select the community, click, and visit! We believe this page will be a valuable resource to our site visitors.
Now the numbers, Metrowide...as of this post (2/11/26), there are:
79 Independent Living Communities
99 Assisted Living Communities
39 Memory Care Communities
TOTAL COMMUNITIES: 217
In addition: 69 Senior Apartment Buildings and Subsidized Housing Units/Apartments
*For communities seeking more information regarding our "Front Door" Program, please connect with us via the CONTACT page, by phone (816) 358-6338 or email, info@downsizingsimplified.com (all accessible through the Contact page). The "Front Door" Program is an affordable participation opportunity!
COMING UP in February: We'll have a guest blog post from a local realtor with tips on selling your home. Be sure to check back mid-to-late February for this informative post!
COMING UP: A new RESOURCES page. This page will feature both not-for-profit and for-profit business resources for seniors. All listings will have direct links to the company's website for immediate contact. If you are a for-profit business and would like more information on listing costs, please use the CONTACT link.
Here are some of the for-profit businesses that conduct business with Seniors (click the arrow to expand or collapse the listing):
In-Home Health Care
Adult Daycare
Elder Law & Estate Planning
Dentist
Physician
Hearing/Audiology
Optometry/Ophthalmology
Podiatrist
Hospital/Clinic
Housekeeping
Insurance
Transportation
Moving
Personal Chef
Personal Shopper
Veterinarian
Realtor/Real Estate Services
Automotive
Junk Hauler
Home Improvement
Plumber
HVAC
Electrician
Estate Sales/Auction
... and more!
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