I first became acquainted with Sue and her mother, Ina, in 2013 as a referral through a local retirement community. I did a downsizing consultation to introduce myself and our services and to assess their move-related needs. Our personalities clicked, and the rest is history. We have remained close all these years... you never know where true friendship will sprout!

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When Sue was faced with moving her mom from independent living, where we had initially moved her, to assisted living, I offered my services as a friend. It took a while for Sue to acknowledge she could use help, but once she did, significant progress followed.

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As we were working together, I asked Sue to consider sharing her story, as I knew it would benefit many other adult children facing the same situation with their elderly parents.

 

I'm so glad she agreed. Here is Sue's story...

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UNEXPECTED EVENTS, ALTERED HOPES.

Adult children hope their elderly parents can live out their lives independently, but circumstances do not always allow it. Unexpected events can arise, abruptly altering those hopes. In my mother’s case, two significant incidents left our family with no viable option other than moving her to an assisted living facility.

In June, while driving to a grocery store just three miles from her home, my mother became disoriented and ended up pulled over on the shoulder of a state highway in another town nearly fifteen miles away. Confused and with an empty gas tank, she called me and said she did not know where she was. Fortunately, I found her on the Find My app and drove straight to her. I found her sitting in a hot car, sweating, with the windows rolled up. That situation alone could have ended tragically.

TECHNOLOGY to the RESCUE.

After spending three days in the hospital being treated for a urinary tract infection, my mother came to stay with me to recover. During that time, she made the difficult decision it was best to stop driving. As she regained some strength, I agreed to let her return to her independent living apartment on the condition that I could install Ring cameras to help monitor her safety. This arrangement provided her with a degree of independence while offering me reassurance. If she failed to answer the phone, I could check on her remotely rather than making the forty-minute drive to her apartment.

That same camera system later prevented another potential catastrophe. Reviewing the Ring app history, I noticed that she had gone to bed at three o’clock in the afternoon. When I checked again the following morning around 6:30 a.m., it was clear she had not gotten up all night. I immediately drove to her apartment and found her in bed, delirious. Unfortunately, despite a five-day hospital stay, no clear cause was identified. Once again, she returned to my home to recuperate. This time, however, her cognitive recovery was slower, and she never returned to her prior baseline.

 

WHEN DAILY NEEDS AREN'T MET, DECISIONS MUST BE MADE.

After three weeks, it became evident that she could no longer live independently. She required assistance with getting out of bed, using the bathroom, and showering, and was no longer capable of managing daily cooking or household tasks. My husband and I had an honest conversation with her and explained that she needed to move closer to us into a setting where help with daily living tasks was available. She was initially very resistant, largely because she envisioned assisted living as something resembling a hospital room. After touring a community and learning she could bring her own furniture and personal belongings, she became more receptive, though not happy, acknowledging that it was the right decision.

DECISIONS and MOVING.

The moving process proved far more challenging than I had anticipated. Downsizing from a large two-bedroom (one bedroom an office and craft room), two-bath apartment to a much smaller one-bedroom unit required difficult decisions about which furniture and possessions to take. Careful space planning along with some hard discussions and decisions about decor and other things, the move happened. Once she was settled into her new apartment, the more daunting tasks began--sorting, decision-making, packing, and the disposition of everything that remained in her old apartment.
 

FLYING SOLO, MOSTLY.

As the only child living in the state, the downsizing responsibility fell entirely on me. Initially, I felt compelled to personally handle every item, as only I could identify meaningful family keepsakes. I quickly figured out that the "just me" approach to decisions was taking too long. With my brothers out of state, we decided to use FaceTime and texts to communicate which was extremely helpful and expedited a lot of the family-related decision-making. (My mom and I also used FaceTime; it was a lifesaver.) Technology to the rescue again!

 

THE STUFF KEPT COMING and the PILES KEPT GROWING.

I knew my mom had a lot of stuff, but until I started pulling things out of closets, drawers, and cabinets to begin sorting, did it become clear to me just how much she had accumulated over the 12 years she'd lived in her apartment. I had an enormous task ahead of me. The volume of paperwork alone was overwhelming. Her crafting supplies, sewing machines, office equipment, collectibles, furniture, decorations, artwork, kitchenware, food, clothing, shoes, linens, and countless other items all had to be sorted and categorized--family/keep, friends, donate, or trash. The piles grew. The work seemed never-ending and I was exhausted.

 

HELP ARRIVES.

Once organized, items were boxed. There were many boxes of personal items and family-related things that I simply didn't have time to sort through; these boxes went to my house and are now stored in my basement. I will eventually finish the sorting and decision-making around these boxes. Although I initially thought I could handle most everything myself (NOT!), I gratefully accepted help with packing, lifting, driving to the donation center, and disposing of trash from my husband, son, and friends. The task was too big and would have been impossible for me to complete on my own given our time frame. I was grateful for their help. ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!

 

WHAT REMAINED LEFT QUICKLY.

Finally, after donating and giving away to family and friends what we could, we made the decision to pay to have what remained in the apartment removed. Although there wasn't a lot left, it was still emotionally difficult watching my mom's possessions be carried away. It was the right decision as we had determined that the time and limited financial return of having a sale, or posting items online for sale, would not outweigh the additional rent required to keep her apartment longer. (There just wasn't enough content value left for a sale.)
 

THE SAFETY NET 24/7.

Two short weeks after moving into her new apartment, my mom experienced another episode of altered mental status, resulting in a five-day hospitalization for pneumonia. This time, however, upon discharge she was able to return directly to her assisted living apartment rather than recovering at my house.

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Life in assisted living has not been easy for my mother as she is extremely independent. (I have a friend who calls her a little "firecracker".) My hope is she will slowly warm to the idea that help, if she needs it, is just a push-button away. As a family we definitely made the right decision and none too soon. We have peace of mind that she's cared for 24/7 and we're just a few minutes away in case we're needed.

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Now that this downsizing move is behind me, I can pay closer attention to my mom's needs whatever they may be. I'm hoping that now she is in assisted living we will have more quality mother-daughter time together. Oh, and if there's one thing this experience has taught me is, I will make every effort to eliminate the excess in my life for my kids!

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Final thoughts:

• The amount of work we accomplished in 3 short weeks still amazes me. My advice is to put a doable plan in place as soon as you can and ask for help early.

• Take care of yourself! The emotional/physical toll on me (and my family) was great. I experienced frustration, sleepless nights, guilt, physical exhaustion, some anger, and of course a few tears.

• Adult children--pay close attention to what's in your parents' homes. Ask questions (be snoopy if you have to) in order to understand what you'll be up against if the need arises.

• Parents, please talk to your children about your stuff. Get down to the nitty-gritty. Please don't surprise your kids--be honest and open.

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Respectfully yours,​

Sue (and Ina)

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​If you have a story to share...

please don't hesitate to reach out through the CONTACT page of the website. We'd love to hear from you especially if your story will help another adult child through the often-difficult task of downsizing a parent, or the dispersing of contents of the home following a death.

• What steps did you take?

• What lessons did you learn?

• What would you do differently?​​

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